9 months later

What a change 9 months makes?  WOrk has been manic, I have literally been doing nothing else, aside from a cheeky trip back to the UK and Tobago - Oh, and my darling daughter number 2's (DD2) birth!

It started as me being utterly exhausted, unable to concentrate at work and wanting to sleep non stop if I was anywhere else.  The tiredness was like nothing else.  I was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t hear my daughter (DD) coming into our bed at night.  I was going to bed at 7pm and sleeping through my alarm.  I put it down to family staying for three weeks and entertaining every night yet maintaining a job.  I was just so tired… 

I suddenly had all the symptoms with horrific sickness and diarrhea to match my extreme tiredness.  I could keep nothing down at all and had to cancel the breakfast that I had booked with a fabulous friend Holly.  Luckily Holly was awake when I text at 6am to say I wasn’t well, and immediately jumped in her car driving from one side of Dubai, all the way to the other, calling me en-route to say she was coming to look after my daughter so I could rest.

Despite her protestations, I initially refused hospital.  Gastroenteritis has been going around town, so I was sure it would pass.  After spending several hours asleep and waking only to check that Holly was still OK with DD, I found that DD had been sick too.  Realising that I had to get better to be able to look after my daughter properly if she were ill (she was actually completely fine in herself, but you just can’t risk it can you?), we took her to her Godfather’s house and Holly took me to hospital.

After 9 bags of fluids, several blood tests and various injections later, I was told that I had Salmonella Blood Poisoning.  “Have you been experiencing any other illness recently?” asked the Doctor as she told me the test results.  After I said no, I had just been tired, she asked, “Did you not know you are pregnant?”

The room span.  “Pardon?”  I asked, not believing what I had just been told.  We had spent years trying to get pregnant, and when it didn’t happen and with our adoption window was narrowing, we adopted our most precious DD.  In those years, you quickly learn that actually ‘physically being pregnant’ is not the be-all and end-all.  All you want is the child at the end.  In fact, the more times you see your monthly cycle alive and kicking, the higher and thicker the brick wall is built about whether or not you want to become physically pregnant.  I lost count how many times over the years I have said, “Actually, I am far too selfish to be pregnant.  I like my body the way it is.  My boobs are in the right place and I have a small waist, plus a crying newborn baby?  Why would I have a child?”  This was my standard moniker that I trotted out when I was continuously asked (normally by family who should have known better), why wasn’t I pregnant yet?

After a few months of repeating these sentiments, you do start to believe it.  Years on, you not only believe it, but the thought of pregnancy quite literally revolts you.  In fact, by my mid 30’s, I felt better about my body than I had ever done before.  Oddly, just one month before I found out I was pregnant, I recall standing in my underwear in front of the full-length mirror in our bedroom saying to Ian, “Actually, my body really isn’t that bad for a 36 year old is it?”  I truly meant it too.  I also remember vividly that I thought I only looked this good because I hadn’t had physically carried a child…  That said I did not care.  After years in a mentally abusive relationship being told I was fat, and being constantly compared to other women who looked far better than me, Ian had installed confidence in me again, and I was loving it!

We took the decision to give up trying for kids’ years ago, way before our daughter came along.  Our new mantra was, “if it happens, it happens.”  People would ask us why we weren’t IVF’ing.  Personally speaking, by the stage IVF was a consideration, all I had ever wanted was the baby at the end.  Adoption was a much more natural consideration for me, and although discussing whether or not to IVF with Ian (I would absolutely have gone through the process had Ian have wanted me to), he surprisingly agreed with me that we would adopt.  It was a further couple of years though before we were able to complete the process. 

Adopting our daughter was the best thing we have ever done.  She completed us and we are so lucky to have her.  But it reinstalled in both of us that your flesh and blood does not make a ‘family’.  It the unconditional love that you have for that child; How you would trade places at the drop of a hat if they were in pain or in danger, how you live to see their smile each morning and think there is no better sound in the world than hearing their laughter.  Naturally, when we spoke about extending our family, it was only ever in discussions about adoption, never anything else. The thought of my falling pregnant never even crossed our minds.

Last November we had been speaking about to whether to adopt again or not and decided that we were in the middle of such an exciting age with our DD, where she was developing such a magnificent personality and getting more independent daily, we just didn’t think we would ever be this lucky a second time around.

So when the Doctor explained that I was actually around 12 weeks pregnant, shock set in.  I just sat there mutely, my head swirling.  She continued oblivious to the fact I wasn’t listening and luckily Holly was, “This is why the blood poisoning had taken hold so quickly as your immune system is lowered in pregnancy,” and what the next steps where that I should take to deal with both the salmonella and how to proceed with the pregnancy.  “Take it slowly, take a month off work,” Yeah right – One day off and a week working from home more like.  I had a deadline to think of! “And rest up,” not to mention the scans, finding an OB etc.

I took some practical (and impractical) steps myself.  Yes, I have brought surgical garters to help me heel more quickly, because I was scared I won’t get my figure back, but I couldn't fit into them in the end.  Yes, the thought of stretch marks on my belly still brings me out in hives, so I wish I had taken out shares in bio oil so I can make some back some of the money that I am spending on their product.  Yes, the thought of aging another 10 years in the space of one month because of lack of sleep has had me looking at the cost of a facelift; not to mention the tummy tuck and boob jobs that I have reviewed.  Age I have.  Badly in-fact over the last three months, but luckily I think I will be able to avoid the tummy tuck as my belly went straight back (well within 2 months anyway) Boob job though may yet be avoided, but only time will tell.

What petrified me the most was how was I going to get  that balancing act perfected quickly between the two girls.  It is only recently that DD1 has started to show the tiniest hint of jealously.  Like tonight, when I was dancing around the room the room with DD2 to LMFAO, DD1 asked if it was her turn yet.  The thought of either feeling left out as they grow up makes me feel physically sick.   

I have also been incredibly worried about the strain of having a baby will put on my husband and myself.  Actually, when it is just the four of us, we get on really well still although I do wish he would accept that I know best!  When others are meddling though, it is very stressful.  But that's life I guess.  We are just lucky that people don't live locally to make this a major issue.  Actually the list of these real fears is endless.  How do other mums do it?

DD1 is a very proud big sister. She loves to introduce her baby sister to everyone.  She wants nothing more than to hold her and kiss her as often as possible.

I was completely unable to take it easy after the birth.  THats a story for another day.  I did go back to work after six weeks, but being able to work from home and cutting back events to one or two a week means it is very managable.  

I still have not got my head around the body issues though.The idea of having a baby I still think is revolting.  In fact, when I think about how I carried DD2 in my belly  – I can’t help but think of the scene in Alien when the Alien erupts from Sigourney Weavers stomach - which is pretty much exactly what her birth was like.  Whilst I couldn't see what was happening as they screened my face from my neck, I could feel a numb prodding, pulling and pushing when the Doctor was rooting around inside my (a friend described how her c-section reminded her of washing in a washing machine).  According to my husband, my insides were literally pulled outside of me as the Doctor gained access to my womb.  It was when DD2 was finally pulled from me though that I properly turned into Sigourny Weaver...  with blood flying all over the place as she was pulled out.   

DD2 is gorgeous.  She is a mini me of her daddy, but hey - we can't have everything.  DD1 is so proud to be a big sister sister and introduces her to everyone who enters the room.  It is very rare for people to experience both an adoption and the birth of their own, and I am very lucky to say that I have.  

We know life will be tough.  Racism, people's perceptions... I was told I had a "white entitelist mentality" in a FB forum by some boy who on viewing his profile, had just started university and addmitted in his own words had no experience of adoption or what people go through to adopt.  He even boasted that his own parents were still together and he went home for dinner several times a week, but viewed myself and my husband as Bradjelina wannabes.   

I wouldn't change it for the world though.  I am very proud of my little family.  They come first.  I find myself worrying more for DD1's future than DD2 because the world is a very different place to what it was when we adopted.  I know from the hoops we are jumping through trying to secure her citizenship, but at the end of the day, my family comes first.  We will do everything in our power to protect our daughters and whilst that could mean we may end up living in Addis Ababa, then so be it.  Their security and health comes first, everything else pales into insignificance...

My First Office Meltdown…

So today I had my first hormonal meltdown in the office.  I am mortified.  It was my entire fault and my (male) colleague didn’t have a clue what to do… 

All he had done was asked some questions that I was willingly answering.  I am an open book and maybe some things I shouldn’t share as they are painful, but I just wanted him to understand my prospective – And sadly instead, I was unable to answer and just ended up more frustrated.

The thing is, I am very open.  Especially when it is about adoption as I am passionate for people to understand that my baby girl is MY baby girl.  My colleague, who I will call S, hit a nerve that is a constant worry to me.  He said that I would feel differently towards my DD then I would towards my biological daughter because it is a  “scientifically proven fact” that biology accounts for more than nurture.  This I vehemently disagree with.  I mean, if that were the case, why are there so many babies and children placed for adoption?  Why are children around the world being abused?  Why are mothers happy to go on vacation, leaving their children to fend for themselves?  This I could answer, but then when he asked, “Aren’t you worried that you will love your biological child more?”

I just broke down.   It is sad really as the easy answer is, “No.  Not at all!” But it is this type of questioning that I fear my DD will have.  It petrifies me to think that one day she will think this too – even if it is for a hormone filled millisecond - at some point she will feel that pain, and I just have absolutely no idea what I can possibly do about it.

It frustrates me even more that I was so emotionally upset and beside myself with trying to speak these fears out loud that I just broke down sobbing.  In a room full of men.  In a room full of men, who don’t have children and could never possibly understand the fears that a mother has and the all encompassing urge to constantly protect her children. 

It frustrates me that people don’t have the empathy to understand this.  that they don’t expect the response that I give; especially as I am 7.5 months pregnant (to be fair, S was expecting it to a degree and felt horrific afterwards). 

I was kind of blindsided by the line of questioning really.  I knew people would think that as most people I meet have no idea of the emotional turmoil you go through in your dream to adopt.  That you experience the exact same emotions at various stages of the adoption that you do with your own personal pregnancy.  The only difference is that the stress of adoption is far far greater than having your own pregnancy; in our case, we were at the mercy of three governments, yet we had the bond with our DD the second we were sent her photo.  She was thousands of miles away.  We could see her only at weekends and had no idea what was happening the rest of the time.  When we were told she had pneumonia at four months old, panic set in.  Could she get the right treatment?  Would the treatment be as good there as in Dubai?  Would the orphanage administer the treatment correctly in our absence?  What will be the long-term implications of it?  Is there anything we can do from thousands of miles away apart from keep in constant contact with them?  What happens when she is crying and just needs a cuddle?  We weren’t there to be with her through all this and that thought is so painful you just couldn’t understand…

When you are pregnant, you know that your actions are directly affecting your own baby.  You know that if jump out of building you will hurt your baby.  Ultimately though, the decision to jump is yours and yours alone.  When you have a baby in another country, being looked after by amazing people (but they are ultimately strangers), that decision could be taken away from you.  OK.  This is a tad extreme, but you get the drift.  Everything is out of your control and the stress that this brings is huge.

It scares me to no end that someone with no brains will think that it is OK to ask these questions when my DD is around.  As I said to S today, I would not have been responsible for my actions had he have asked these questions in front of my daughter.  The poor man… how does he know that this is something that has kept me awake at night more often than anything else – that at least twice a week I lie in bed worrying about this from 2am and give up at 5am trying to get back to sleep?

Realistically, I should have stopped the questions before they began but I don’t really have that stop button.  I need to grow one though I have now realized.  What good will I do for my daughter if I can’t field these questions in the future?  How on earth is that going to remotely protect her?

What is ironic, is that literally 10 minutes before this all happened, I had posted a viral thread on Facebook from Sandra Bullock who is also frustrated at people saying she isn’t a real mum to her son.  She is an “Adoptive Mum”.

Take it from me, love from a real mum isn’t the love from someone that produces a child biologically - As amazing as the human body is, most women can do this in one form or another.  Love from a real mum is someone who sits watching her child sleep at night and feels the most overwhelming sense of love.  Love from a real mum is someone who holds her child tight when they fall, and worries about them when she sees them testing the boundaries.  Love from a real mum is someone who petrified, jumps in the car at 2am racing to their child to hospital only to be told by a Dr that it is only a temperature and there is no need to worry.  Love from a real mum is an overwhelming unconditional love. 

You do not have to give birth to love like a “real” mum.

What To Bring When You Move To Dubai

Quite often, on the numerous forums that are on Facebook, people ask the question, “I’m at home.  What should I be buying whilst in the UK?”

In all fairness, I haven’t found that buying products here is any worse than at home.  Most of the supermarkets do have the same products you can get in any Tesco’s in the UK and even if you can’t get the exact same things, you can get a different make of the same thing.  Even so, I posed this question to other women to see what they thought.  These are the things they all suggested as they can sometimes be difficult to purchase here.

Things to Think of Bringing Back

Especially if traveling from the UK with kids in tow, pick up things like:

• Germaline
• Calpol Travel Sachets
• OXO Cubes (can be difficult to get here as they instantly sell out
• Baby clothes – Thin winter hats, as here they only tend to sell thick ones
• Children’s all in one UV swim suits – These are much more reasonably priced abroad
• Children/baby Clothes – Kids clothes here are slightly more expensive per item than elsewhere.  I always stock up on the next size up for my DD whilst back in the UK and find I save myself a lot of money in the process
• Clothes – The same as the above really, you can make great savings if you buy in the UK, Europe or the USA.  However, you can’t beat the sales here – Especially if you are buying a big purchase like a designer bag.  My Michael Kors bag was under half price three weeks ago from the Michael Kors Shop in Mall of the Emirates
• Gro Clocks etc...  These can be difficult to get hold of here and as such, a premium may often be charged for them
• Reusable nappies - The ones like Bambino and Alva are very difficult to get hold of here so it is best to stock up when you are away

Alternatively, set up a Shop and Ship account and order in.  Powered by Aramex, it provides you with a PO Box address that you can shop online purchases to in New York, London and several European and Asian cities.  There are certain things that you can't ship in, Hazardous Materials or for example, videos with questionable moral standards, but much of the above can be delivered to you for a charge.

Happy shopping!

What to bring to Dubai...

Quite often, on the numerous forums that are on Facebook, people ask the question, “I’m at home.  What should I be buying whilst in the UK?”

In all fairness, I haven’t found that buying products here is any worse than at home.  Most of the supermarkets do have the same products you can get in any Tesco’s in the UK and if you can’t get the exact same things, you can get a different make of the same thing.  Even so, I posed this question to other women to see what they thought.  This is what they said:

Buy Before You Come

·      Germaline

·      Calpol Travel Sachets

·      OXO Cubes (can be difficult to get here as they instantly sell out)

·      Baby clothes – Thin winter hats, as here they only tend to sell thick ones

·      Children’s all in one UV swim suits – These are much more reasonably priced abroad

·      Children/baby Clothes – Kids clothes here are slightly more expensive per item than elsewhere.  I always stock up on the next size up for my DD whilst back in the UK and find I save myself a lot of money in the process

·      Clothes – The same as the above really, you can make great savings if you buy in the UK, Europe or the USA.  However, you can’t beat the sales here – Especially if y  My Michael Kors bag was under half price last week from the Michael Kors Shop in Mall of the Emirates.

ou are buying a big purchase like a designer bag.

·      Apple Laptops – Whilst they are cheaper here than elsewhere, once you remove your reclaimable VAT (if you do claim back), you can pick these up globally for the same price.  The only difference being is that Facetime is not available on locally brought Apple Products.

Is there anything that you would bring?  Let us know.