12 weeks old...

Since DD2 has been born we have had three months of family visits.  Some have been fun and happy, others not so.  In the UK, if you have a baby, your friends and family are acutely aware of your exhaustion.  If they stop by, it isn’t for too long.  Traditionally, they will bring food and help with the house - or at least this is my experience of friends and family growing their brood in the UK.  But this doesn’t appear to the case when you are an expat.

Other expats understand the rules of engagement, but your family will insist on coming over for a holiday two weeks after you have given birth.  I get that they want to see the new arrival, but to say that they are coming on a holiday..?

I had a C-section but ended up driving after two weeks and walking people around town.  Considering that I was back to work after 6 weeks, it has been non stop and people just don’t consider the fact that any birth takes time to get over.  I wanted to spend time just the four of us.  I wanted time to bond with my DD2 and get my family back in a routine.  I was paranoid about ensuring DD1 wasn’t greatly affected by the birth, or if your baby is ill - as DD2 was - I would have given my right arm for the opportunity take a breathe and recoup.  At the risk of ranting (and now I am on a roll so I will), I wasn’t really able to do any of this.

Oddly, following the birth, I wanted to be able to breast feed which I didn’t expect.  I have always had an aversion to breast-feeding (BF), yet I did want to BF for the first few days.  I attended BF classes as DD2 is slightly tongue-tied and it was obscenely painful at first.  When it worked though, it was a great experience.  Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.  I am still very resentful of the fact that I was unable to because I had to go off and decamp into my bedroom to do so.  Believe me, I know how this is sounding - this doesn’t sound like such a chore to those who haven’t breast fed, but considering it takes about an hour and a half to feed and burp, you then have a 90 minute window before you have to do it again, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the first couple of months, it is actually a major upset if you can’t be comfortable and do it where you want, when you want.  My quest to BF was hampered further by the fact our visitors wanted to be with us continuously so I ended up taking them out virtually every day.  Keep in mind that we live in a country which is incredibly modest and breastfeeding in public is uncomfortable for all, being out and about is a way to kill it off very simply.  Something had to give - it was breastfeeding.  I have written this very simplistically.  It was not an easy choice, but expressing takes forever and who wants a 20-year-old nephew or your father-in-law watching that?  Not being able to do it in my environment of choice, and my being a tour guide when all I wanted was to be at home on my own with my little family left me feeling very claustrophobic, and created a lot of resentment.

The hardest thing though was undoubtedly dealing with the hormones.  Personally speaking, because I spent the whole of my 6-week maternity leave biting my tongue and refraining to tell people what I thought.  I believed I had kept my hormones under control.  I didn’t want to appear to have lost my mind or be unfairly judged.  The main problem with this is that, coupled with sleep deprivation and a house full of people waiting to pounce and tell you are being ridiculous, is that it creates a huge divide between you and you husband.  In fact, with mine, I was unable to keep my emotions in check.  He is the closest person to me and the one I took all of my frustrations out on.  Regardless of how much we tried to hide them, both our moods were evident, so the judging and family gossip started… Fun!

Three months on, we have mastered the family rhythm.  We are still entertaining people continuously, but I am not feeling psychotic continuously with hormones (just 30% of the time).  Finally I am getting to the place where it is OK to tell people “No.”  Even going back to work before all the visitors had left (we didn’t have one day in the whole of my maternity leave where we didn’t have people staying), has been a breath of fresh air – despite how much I was dreading it.  I am very lucky though to be able to work from home as that is very far from the norm out here.

The one thing I have learnt from giving birth is that regardless of what anyone tells you or expects from you, be selfish.  If you give in for a quiet life (as I did), the repercussions on your family are just too big, and I learnt this the hard way.  My husband and children come first, so now I am vocal and do whatever it is that is right for them.  Others may not understand, but really, that is their problem and not mine to worry about.  Why should I put myself through the mental torment that will, in turn, affect my family if I don’t have to?